Age & Wisdom

Here's a little bit of humor we hope makes your day. It's related to our growing older, wiser, and often better, as the years go by--something we can all relate to. We're hungry for more, so please send us some we can add to the collection.*

* New items will be added at the top, as they become available

"We're aging disgracefully, and proud of it."

KZOK, Classic Rock, FM 102.5, Seattle

The Senility Prayer: God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and all bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....
All reports are in--life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put then on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

Then and Now

Then: Killer Weed

Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine

Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Working for a BMW

Now: Working to lower your BMI (body mass index)

Then: The Grateful Dead

Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint

Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool

Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office

Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign

Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing

Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned

Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"

Now: The making of the President

Then: "Going blind"

Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair

Now: Longing for hair

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel

Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

Then: "Off the pigs"

Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol."

Then: Virility, agility, vanity

Now: Senility, obesity, humility

Then: Making a gun rack in Jr. High woodshop

Now: Kicked out of school for mentioning a gun rack

Then: Big tobacco argued no proof smoking causes cancer

Now: Argue cancer from smoking is smokers' fault

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party

Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson

Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President

Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high

Now: The perfect high mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army

Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Libido

Now: Lumbar

Then: Keg

Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid

Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot

Now: Your growing pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents

Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your grandkids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test

Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Buying gas

Now: Passing gas

Then: Seeds and Stems

Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints

Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?

Now: Depends

Then: Breakfast cereal brands advertised "sugar"

Now: Sugar is still there, but is now hidden from moms

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
Your parents had a much harder job than you realized at the time.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking about how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Aging Gracefully (Or Not) . . .

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.

You get winded playing checkers.

You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out.

You order Geritol 'on the rocks.'

You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.

You stop to think and sometimes you forget to start again.

You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.

Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute girl goes by.

The only whistles you get are from a tea kettle.

A fortune teller wants to read your face.

You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it.

You pray for a good prune-juice harvest.

Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You join a health club and never go.

You need your glasses to find your glasses.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

Why Aging Isn't So Bad . . .

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.